This is Why Your Mom Always Told You To Go Potty Before You Get on the Plane

It’s been a busy week in travel policing. Federal law enforcement agents have become so desperate in their hunt to apprehend would-be terrorists with explosives that they’ve resorted to apprehending passengers with the next best thing: explosive diarrhea.

After a week in which Department of Homeland Security agents arrested and interrogated two passengers for using the bathroom—one passenger for sitting next to said two passengers who used the bathroom—announced the deployment of an additional 300 all-revealing full-body scanners in airports, yet took bribes in the operation of an inter-state drug ring, The Department of Homeland Security has finally achieved its goal of making passengers feel safer against the threat of terrorists…by making them utterly afraid of the Department of Homeland Security instead.

But in the DHS’s defense, as if looking at your big aunt Bertha in a full-body scanner wasn’t difficult enough, I give them props for giving a full cavity search to a man right after he spent an “unusually long time” in the bathroom with diarrhea. Way to dig deep and go the extra mile.

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